Post #13 of 40
Giving Up Eye Rolling
One of my favorite TV shows of all times is 30 Rock. Tina Fey’s character, Liz Lemon, is known for her witty comebacks and dramatic facial expressions. And her eye rolls? They are top of the line!
I lied once in a job interview. I was interviewing to sell computerized shipping systems. The owner of the company asked me if I was in love. I said, “No.”
I don’t know if he was looking for a date for his sons, or if he was wondering if I had distractions, or if he was trying to ascertain whether I was a virgin. In spite of the strange question, I accepted the job offer, making me the only female salesperson in the company.
I promised myself that in the future, I would take jobs where I was comfortable being truthful and in organizations that aligned with my values. I did not keep this promise.
After several values-aligned years in one job, I was asked to report on how many books were in the school library with “gay themes.” Apparently, a parent had complained to the Board. I located one book about two male penguins who fall in love and care for an egg. I reported this to the board president and said that I “couldn’t find” any others. I was asked to remove And Tango Makes Three from the library shelves. I complied.
When I worked in Catholic schools, I was publicly quiet about my support for transgender and gay students and teachers, but the Sisters who ran the schools appreciated the way I helped and supported them. The Bishops in both places would not have been as supportive.
After leaving the Catholic schools, I once again vowed to myself to work only in places whose values align with mine.
So far, I have kept this promise to myself.
Keeping this promise comes from privilege, though.
Not everyone at every stage can do this and still put food on the table and kids in college.
Prior to Lent one year when I was still working in schools, I noticed that I found my truth being swallowed more and more. I kept my mouth shut at times when I disagreed with someone, noticed that I wasn’t setting the record straight when people told untruths about me, found myself not wanting to rock the boat. Swallowing and swallowing, this discomfort turned into anxiety and a bad case of the eye rolls.
I realized that I rolled my eyes when I didn’t have the courage to speak my truth.
So for Lent that year, I tried to give up eye rolling.
When someone reported an issue to me, I couldn’t roll my eyes as a sign of sympathy or agreement that communicated, “Oh well, whatcha gonna do?”
I had to be true to myself and my values and say and do the right thing.
What was I to do if Tammy came to me and said, “I asked Jasmine for the report on my division two weeks ago and even followed up today. At first I thought she was just too busy, but today she said that she doesn’t understand why I need it. It’s my division, Kathryn. Why does she make things so difficult?”
There was a time when I was tempted to roll my eyes because we all had challenges with Jasmine.
Giving up eye rolling forced me to decide how to respond. Should I intervene? Should I go to Jasmine? How could I help without stripping away Tammy’s authority? How could I help Jasmine be more cooperative with her coworkers?
It wasn’t enough to roll my eyes even if “everyone” knew how difficult Jasmine could be. I was the “boss,” and I needed to act - or not act if that was better. There would be no in between for me.
More than a decade later, I still haven’t mastered the art of always speaking my truth to the right people at the right time. But, I have definitely improved over the years.
I have made a few rules for myself to TRY to keep me on track:
(Am I the only one who keeps rules for self in the Notes App on my phone?)
When in a meeting, say what you need to say. Do not keep your mouth shut and then share your opinions with a coworker or Tom after the fact.
If conversations in a professional meeting turn into gossip or insults about others in a way that is not productive, express yourself - e.g. “This conversation makes me uncomfortable.” You risk being left out of future conversations, but that’s okay.
Don’t use humor or sarcasm to cover up your truth. Be respectful, but remember it’s okay to express yourself.
If someone tries to interrupt you when you are saying something difficult, keep talking, or say a quick, “Hold on just a sec,” or use a hand gesture. Be polite, but say what you need to say.
If something is bothering you enough to roll your eyes or to talk to others about it, then think about who can help with the situation and figure out a way to do something about it.
If you really have to roll your eyes, look down and do it.
These days, most of my eye rolling is reserved for Tom’s corny math jokes that I actually adore, but don’t tell him. My favorite continues to be —
“There are three kinds of mathematicians - those who can count and those who can’t.”
And, I am sure to point out my eye roll to him, sometimes putting it on instant replay and in slow motion format — Liz Lemon style.
Watch the video above if you are going through eye-rolling withdrawal.