#3 of 40

Giving up Shoulding on myself

Are you one of those people who overuses the word, “should”?

I was one of those folks, using should to describe my perceived failures in the past and my perceived obligations for the future. Apparently, psychologist Clayton Barbeau coined the term “shoulding yourself.” If you search “shoulding yourself,” you will find dozens of articles about the topic.

I massaged the phrase to accommodate my sense of humor and to make it sound slightly more provocative. Instead of “shoulding myself,” I call it “shoulding on myself.”

Shoulding about the past

Many of us think we can only improve if we impose obligations and guilt and pressure. I found that shoulding on myself discouraged success and encouraged me to see myself as unworthy. So, one Lent, I gave up the word - should. I found myself shoulding on myself in two different ways -

An expression of regret and failure
A goal or intention

When speaking of the past, I heard myself shoulding on myself in these ways:

I should have taken the bread out of the oven earlier.
I should have been more prepared for the meeting.
I should have been more patient with the kids this morning.
I shouldn’t have snapped at Tom.
I shouldn’t have eaten that third brownie.

As I practiced reducing or eliminating “should” from my vocabulary, I began to look for alternate ways to express myself when I had goofed.

The bread is a little dark. I’ll set the timer next time.
I’m going to work late on the project tonight, and next time, I will backwards plan - putting midway checkins on my calendar.
I’m going to get up earlier and make some checklists. I’ll support and encourage the kids in the mornings.

Reframing my regrets, mistakes, lack of patience, and forgetful moments helped me stop living in the past and moved me toward planning - actually taking the steps - for a future in which I would do better. It didn’t mean I swept my errors under the rug - quite the opposite. And, to me, that’s the interesting part - why is it that we think we have to be so rough on ourselves in order to improve?

Shoulding about the future

The other instances I shoulded on myself was when I thought about the future. When I did should on myself about the future, it made me want to rebel a bit, so that this tiny voice said, “Yes, I should, but I don’t have to.” Obviously, this isn’t the purpose I had intended when I shoulded on myself about the future.

Here are some of the shouldings that I heard myself saying -

I should eat more vegetables.
I should send a birthday card to Margaret.
I should save more money.
I should meditate more.
I should be a better wife/daughter/mother/sister - fill in the blank _______ .

When I heard myself talking about my future shoulds, I was not taking true responsibility for my future. I talked about my actions in some sort of nebulous way - a way that actually relieved me of responsibility while also making me feel guilty. Every time I shoulded on myself about the future, I could easily follow it with a but - e.g. “I should meditate more…but I am too busy.” It was a lose-lose proposition. so, I try to reframe the future shoulds into action statements.

I will add spinach, kale, and carrots to my grocery list and buy them this Saturday.
I will go ahead and write a fun birthday message on the blank card I have in my desk and send it to Margaret.
I will ask the business office to put 10% in my 403B and 10% in my savings account when they do the direct deposit.

These small reframes put the responsibility exactly where it needed to be - on me - without adding guilt and without taking myself off the hook by implying that it was impossible.

I continue to work on decreasing the times I should on myself. Am I the only one? Feel free to contact me or comment and share your experiences.